thoughtcrumbs

IM. That's the way to go.

Does this person think it's okay to ask someone out over the phone?

let me explain myself...

you can totally ask someone out whatever way you choose. i, however, feel that while certain situations (such as distance) may preclude a face to face interaction, you are missing out on much the fun of dating when you remove yourself from the emotional experience by using an electronically mediated method such as im or email.

i totally get where you're going with the phone, but i would argue that it is real time and largely unrehearsed which preserves some of the spontinaity and uncertainty that makes life less boring. still face to face is the way to go.

here's my scale:
awesome <----------------> lame
f2f --> phone --> im --> email

Yeah, sorry, I wasn't trying to like corner you or anything; I'm just often interested in how people think about social etiquette and techologies and stuff, since I am a giant dork who is much more likely to think that interacting with people over email or whatever is totally normal.

I totally concede that your scale is self-consistent and consistent with the idea that what makes asking someone out exciting is the spontaneity of it or whatever; I think I happen to like the slowly-consideredness of email better, and in fact I think my scale of preference is precisely yours reversed. Anyhow neither one of us is being naively pro- or anti-technology per se.

I think an actual paper letter, almost purely for the amusing hyperbole of it, would be even better.

Then again, it may be less a question of etiquette than effectiveness. Ultimately, the comfort of the asker is only useful if the process yields results. Thus, we shouldn't be asking whether we would prefer to email, but whether we would prefer to BE emailed. Since that first interaction yeilds all kinds of valuable non-verbal information about attraction and such it has a LOT to say about the potential success of the relationship. Email may make us more comfortable, but it still just prolongs the inevitable first meeting. Personally, I'd prefer a woman who called or did it in person.

Of course, there are several situations where asking in person or calling are quite impossible. Leaving a message is not the same thing as talking 1-to-1, and yet before IM and email that was (and still is) quite frequently done, even though the first two options were available. The question is why. Asking a person out (and sometimes even being asked out) can be a minor life event in itself, for a number of people. While valuable 'data' can be gleaned from such an encounter, for some, the implications of any such information is most likely to be pushed out of proportion. Although that first encounter has yet to be surmounted, you have hopefully the appropriate props (eg activity that you're engaged in) that will calm both individuals enough to focus on whether you actually have a future together in some capacity. Personally, I have no preference for all four options, having engaged in all. The combination of timing, projected availability, and comfort in 1-to-1, varies constantly. Rather than placing an absolute value on a choice, choose one as the possibility arises. Something for your Likert summation (forced option): First dates are more stressful than asking someone out.

I find it rather hysterical that this heated conversation is being carried out by five guys, three of whom are named Jason.

Thinking about asking people out on dates via e-mail brings to mind various kafkaesque online dating experiences from my past. (Although a friend of mine met her fiance that way (via online dating rather than during a kafkaesque nightmare, I mean), so it's not all bad apparently)

My personal experience is that a lot of the important cues get lost when there isn't face to face or at least over the phone interaction which makes it much harder to gauge things about the other party. E.g. their level of interest, sanity, etc. In extreme cases it's like Harry says in the Harry and the Potters song The Human Hosepipe: "...I'd rather not talk about your dead ex-boyfriends over coffee" (Yes, there is a small indie band that plays Harry Potter inspired music)

Hmm... I'm not entirely sure that I'm adding to the conversation here, but I did get to say "kafkaesque online dating experiences", which makes me happy. ;)

Interesting thinking that SurveyMonkey would be the proper venue for testing; my impression is that this would be biased toward email-friendly populations. If that's the intended subgroup, sure email is fine. However there may be unseen repercussions for folks that are pursuing someone from another pack. Empirical real-world trails may be the best indicator.

Hm. Not so long ago, I received an email from a certain software developer, and it said this :

"Hey, I kinda meant to ask you out on a date last night... Anyways, I'm not gonna do that via email because that's
lame." (Bold print mine.)

This is the first time my romantic relationship has not furthered through IM. And I am so. glad.

Um, I'm pissed about that formatting and a forgotten word, so I'm reposting and adding something.

Hm. Not so long ago, I received an email from a certain software developer, and it said this:

"Hey, I kinda meant to ask you out on a date last night... Anyways, I'm not gonna do that via email because that's lame." (Bold print mine.)

This is the first time that a romantic relationship that I am in has not been furthered through IM. And I am so. glad.

And let me say this :

The medium is the message.

(Thank you, Marshall McLuhan.)

I'm intrigued by this strange concept of asking someone out. The few times I've done that (and the fewer times that I've been on the receiving end), it's been an utter disaster. Sit having dinner with *nothing* to talk about. Or, sit having *lots* to talk about: "so, what's it like being a manic-depressive red-army nihilist estranged from her parents?"

Every relationship (but one) I've had was initiated rather more smoothly, via long email and zephyr exchanges, frequent hanging out in large groups, chatting during hikes, then carpooling to events, eventually having dinner together, eventually hiking alone together; and finally, when the general awkwardness builds to intolerable levels, the awkwardness of starting the Chat (or, perhaps, the Making Out) is overcome and it is had.

For reasons dictated by our low-tech society, the Making Out is never over electronic media.

For reasons dictated by our low-tech society, the Making Out is never over electronic media.

maybe not making out, but third base and beyond is thanks to teledildonics.